Monday, December 5

Humorous Letters

cartoon laughing face
Something completely different today - humour (or even humor). When we write letters and send them through the post or mail we sometimes don't quite get the message over that we intend. So much so that sometimes they turn out to be funny, humorous or whatever. Here's a few examples of some of those I first published on Funny Humorous Letters on Squidoo. The extracts aren't always very PC, so apologies in advance to anyone who gets their knickers in a twist about such things.

Humorous Letters With Double Entendres
Extracts from letters sent to a council housing office - Part 1
These are genuine extracts from letters sent to a council housing office. There are double entendres galore but the senders wrote their words in all innocence.

Lady tenant complaining about DIY repairs next door:
"He has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more."

Problems with the garden foilage:
"My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it"

Noisy neighbours:
"... and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6 a.m. his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs apartment and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night."

Dangerous paths:
"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle badly; then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

Kitchen furniture problems:
"I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers."

Repairs needed:
"Send a man round with a big tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

"I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction."

man in toilet roll cartoon clipart
Funny Toilet Humour Letters
Extracts from letters sent to a council housing office - Part 2

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them away."

"My lavatory seat is cracked - where do I stand?"

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

"This is to let you know that our toilet seat is broken and we can't get BBC2 television programs."

Mixed Humorous Letters
Extracts from letters sent to a council housing office - Part 3

"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."

"It is the dog mess that I find hard to swallow."

"50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it."

Humorous Letters To A Pensions And Insurance Office
This time we have extracts from genuine funny letters sent to a Pensions and Insurance Office:

"I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why this is?"

"This is my eighth child. What are you doing about it?"

"Mrs. Brown has no clothes and has not had any for a year. The vicar has been visiting her."

"In reply to your letter. I have already co-habited with your office, so far without result."

"I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children, one of which is a mistake as you will see."

"Sir, I am glad to say my husband, reported missing, is now dead."

"Unless I get my husband's money I shall be forced to lead an immoral life."

"I am writing these lines for Mrs. Green who cannot write herself. She expects to be confined next week and can do with it."

"I have enclosed my marriage certificate and six children. I have some and one died, which was baptised on a half sheet of paper by the Rev. Thomas."

"Please find out if my husband is dead, as the man I am now living with won't eat or do anything until he is sure."

"In answer to your letter I have given birth to a little boy weighing ten pounds. Is this satisfactory?"

"You have changed my little girl into a little boy. Will this make any difference."

"Please send my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my landlord."

"I have no children as my husband is a bus driver and works all day and all night."

"In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope."

"I want money as quick as you can sent it. I have been in bed with my doctor all week and he does not seem to be doing me any good."

"Milk is wanted for my baby as the father is unable to supply it."

"Regarding your enquiry the teeth in the top are alright but the ones in the bottom are hurting terribly."

Funny Humorous Letters

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  1. Very funny. I shall take care how I write things in future!

  2. a couple of them cracked me up

  3. These are hilarious!

  4. So hilarious! I love these! And I am loving your new look, too!

  5. 'I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope'